Getting comfortable with resolving conflicts.

First...

Forget what you thought resolving conflict should sound like.

Conflicts do not have to be confrontational.

Some of you are thinking: “Ha! But you do not know how he is!...he always thinks he is right.”

I do know.

I know because he is always the person we want to avoid having a conflict with because we know he is never open to hearing anyone's opinion…

Just because there is a difference of opinion does not mean the conversation has to be one person versus the other.

Even if you are dealing with an individual who has always made you feel like it is always their opinion that counts most…

And I know conversations with those people have always gone the same way. 

There is always this feeling you are left with that they are in disbelief you could think your way on the topic and not see it their way.

To the point you now avoid conversations about a conflict with them completely.

What if you did not have to necessarily go against their thoughts on the issue?

Introducing the most powerful word you can use to resolve a conflict…

“AND”

The "and" conversation for conflict resolution is good for a few reasons.

One: “and” means in addition to.

Meaning we are not shutting anything down.

Two: Because of the peaceful nature of the word that will make it less scary for you if you.
Even if you are one to opt for avoiding conflict out of fear of consequences...

Example: (to a client) "I understand you thought you were done with the contract paperwork AND I am wanting to make sure that when it is turned in that it is completely done and I noticed this_____ was missing.  Can you take a look and fill it in if you want anything there."

That is different from: "this is not complete, I will not do this for you, so fix it".

The first way doesn't prompt the other person to get defensive.

If anything, it acknowledges that you understand the person was under the impression they did everything right.

However, you want to make sure that is the case because if not problems could arise for both of you if that *blank* space needed filled in.

It is one opinion "in addition" to the other opinion.

Not one against another.

It is collaborative language-not combative.

After all if you are working on a document (contract) with someone, is it not collaborative?

If you are working directly with another person then somewhere is a common cause.

If you are working with someone else as part of completing your job then your job and the other person’s job(even homeowners)are not mutually exclusive.

It is the language of "either-or" that raises people's guards up against you.

The reason we avoid confrontation is because the discomfort we anticipate it causing feels scarier than just living with the discomfort of the unresolved situation.

But is that true?

Unresolved situations are the "stuff" resentment is made of.

The stuff that creates passive aggression, and the stuff that stifles the happiness and job satisfaction you deserve.

Another mistake is when we do another persons job to avoid conflict.

Maybe it's the 6th time you have ask an agent on the other side of the table to come to your side of town.

Rather than start demanding and making a "real" conflict it becomes easier to just go to their office for the 7th time.

Here again we have avoided the issue and enabled a win/lose dynamic.

It does not have to be "here" or "there".

You can meet a person half way.

Half way would be literal in this scenario, or figurative for most any "conflict".

The consequences of not having your voice heard are far more damaging.

If your goal in every conflict is to have fairness be the result then you don't need to "win" anything.

Not needing to win means you can ditch the ultimatums and the either/or language that usually accompanies conflict. 

You do not have to be the only person who feels like that are benefiting from an outcome.

Visualizing the “AND”

For example:  Lets say you are negotiating for a higher salary.  (Which is commission for us BUT salary works better for an example.)  “I am not asking for a raise for the sake of a raise also. I want to propose some additional responsibilities for myself AND xyz needs to be more efficient, it is impacting the bottom line AND I can fix it.”

Think about how this conversation goes much differently typically.

When people ask for raises based on numbers and longevity at the same position… the bosses usually already feel they are being paid fairly.

(Of course they do…the boss rarely sees the real toll the years can take)

To often People usually only get a substantial raise if they are really good and they threaten to leave.

“Either pay me more or I will leave.”

But what if they tried saying they have been working there for a long but that is not why they deserve a raise.

What if the raise was an AND.

“AND I wanted to talk because I want to add to my responsibilities.”

What if the employee started talking about how they wanted to fix this problem, AND that problem:

“This needs to be more efficient, it is impacting the bottom line AND I can fix it.”

The value is going up for what they can do because they are now solving a problem.

Their boss will hear “AND”

But the employee is getting to expand their projects AND get paid more. 

See, AND means nothing is lost while you are asking someone to GIVE you something.

If you give a person a raise but noting is added by doing so it is an either/or and will feel like a loss.

But a person impacting the bottom line through their solving my problem…I’ll pay that salary any day because I know their salary is only a fraction of my cost for fixing a problem I need fixed.

For almost any conversation it holds the audiences interest without putting them on the defensive.

It works with concessions in a transaction.

AND works well for any discussion that risks someone getting defensive.

Last but not least…

After resolving a conflict peacefully express your gratitude for how cooperative the other person was.

There is no better way to reinforce peace and that future conversations will go well than being by being appreciative.

During the "conflict" you want to say that you want to continue to help but you need to be met halfway.

When the discussion has ended fairly then it is good to say:

"Thank you for helping me on this. It makes it easier for me to help you ultimately... and helping you is something I consider more than my job. I take pride in it. I want us to always be able to feel like we can bring something up without it feeling like a complaint... This is something that will make my process of doing things so much better/easier/more efficient and I appreciate your being so willing to talk through this with me".